Leprechaun
(A clip from “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!” where a chainsaw killer cuts off Linus and Lucy’s heads and the title “Nostalgia-Ween!” appears; NC wears an outfit similar to the Cinema Snob) NC: (talks low like Cinema Snob) Hello, I’m the Cinema Snob. If you’re like me, what’s the first thing you think of when you think of Halloween? That’s right! Leprechauns. (Images of various leprechauns are shown) NC (voiceover): Most of you would connect this famous icon to St. Patrick’s Day. Well, that’s because most of you are sheep. Halloween is the holiday to be associated with this mythical creature. NC: Don’t believe me? Then just check out “Leprechaun.” (The movie’s title screen is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie) NC (voiceover): Finally, somebody sees these creepy bastards for the little demon-fucks they are. This movie realizes four-foot men in green hats, pointy shoes and high-pitched voices are the epitome of fear. NC: And we’re gonna review this little masterpiece right here today— (Cinema Snob walks in to sit down next to NC) Cinema Snob: Uh, excuse me, what do you think you’re doing? NC: (long pause) I’m the Cinema Snob. CS: I’M the Cinema Snob. NC: No, I’m the Cinema Snob. CS: No, I’M the Cinema Snob. (They both hiss through their deep breath and sigh with a low groan of disgust) CS: Well, okay. What do you say we review this anus turkey together? NC: I would like that. (They both laugh simultaneously, hiss through their deep breath and then look at the camera, groaning in disgust) CS (voiceover): So it starts off with Warwick Davis as the Leprechaun, looking about as scary as a midget Lady Gaga. Leprechaun: Try as they will and try as they might, whoever steals me gold…won’t live through the night. NC: Seriously, this movie is so unbelievably not scary, that it deepens my voice. (speaks lower upon each word) Deeper and deeper…deeper…and deeperrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…(coughs and gets frustrated, resumes to talking normally and slapping a hand on his desk) Goddamnit! I’m sick of this shit! (puts on his trademark hat) How the hell do you do that voice? CS: Years of drinking Crystal Pepsi, my friend. NC: Dick. NC (voiceover): Alright, so as the credits roll, we see a guy named Dan O’Grady come home from Ireland to North Dakota. Must have been that…big…Ireland to North Dakota rush. However, he manages to bring a bag of gold with him. Dan O’Grady: (to his wife) Pot of gold! A wee person, a leprechaun! I caught him, and made him show me where his gold is! CS (voiceover): You know, I’m surprised they’re still showing the credits. After that line, I assume everybody will just want their names taken off. (A suitcase opens to reveal evil eyes) NC (voiceover): But faster than you can say “Begorra!” the leprechaun appears out of the suitcase and attacks the old lady. Leprechaun: I want me gold NOW! (He pushes Dan’s wife down the cellar stairs) Mrs. O’Grady: My God, NOOOOOOO! CS (voiceover): Oh, come on, he didn’t kill her! She’s just a fucking clod! Leprechaun: (to Dan O’Grady) Your wife makes a fine pot of tea, Danny me boy. NC (voiceover): But luckily, Danny boy has Irish kryptonite—or, in this case, a four-leaf clover—which, I suppose, weakens him. Dan O’Grady: I’ll give you more than gold! (shoots the leprechaun a few times) Leprechaun: Your bullets won’t stop me forever. I’ll keep coming back! (Dan approaches the leprechaun behind a large wooden crate, then a film dissolves to see Dan pick him up) NC (voiceover): Well, wait a minute! What did we miss? Bullets can’t hurt him, but then he’s suddenly passed out? In fact, why is there even an edit there? They just dissolve to the exact same scene. (Dan has placed the leprechaun in the crate and puts the four-leaf clover on the top lid) Dan: The power of this clover will keep you in there forever. CS (voiceover): So O’Grady nails the little guy in a box—and trust me, that’s not as exciting as it sounds—but before he can light the fucker on fire, I guess he has a heart attack or something. (The Leprechaun laughs while inside the crate and a thunderclap flashes) NC: But, wait a minute. If that happened to him, whatever happened to the box? CS: Oh, it’s OK. He’s being looked after by top men. NC: Who? CS: Top…men. (Cut to the final scene from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” in which an employee moves a giant crate through a huge storage room; a fake sign for “Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish Merchandise” is shown) NC (voiceover): Cut to a mere 10 years later as we see one of the main characters played by…Jennifer Aniston? She’s in this movie? CS (voiceover): Yep! Jennifer Aniston’s old career is like David Schwimmer’s current career. NC: Alright, just keep the "Friends" jokes to a minimum. CS: I make no promises. NC (voiceover): It turns out Aniston and her father Randy Travis here are staying in North Dakota for a while, and of course, they’re staying in the old house where Darby O'Gill's gangbanger is. Tory (Aniston): How about…I get a hotel somewhere in town, and you can come visit? Hey, I’ll pay for it! J.D. Redding (Tory’s father): Honey….you really think…money’s all you need to get by in this life? NC and CS: Well, she is Jennifer Aniston. CS (voiceover): So she runs into one of the housepainters, played by Jim Carrey Bacon here, as he’s part of a paint company called “Three Guys That Paint.” NC (voiceover): You’ll never guess what they do. CS (voiceover): Paint? NC (Voiceover): No! Make obnoxious comedy relief. Alex (little boy): Boy, I could go for a beer right now. Ozzie: You’re too little to drink. Don’t you ever, EVER drink that stuff. Alex: Hey, Ozzie, watch this! (points at him in the chest and then flicks Ozzie on the nose) Ah, gotcha! (they both wrestle) Let go! CS: Please tell me they die. NC: I’ll pray for us both. NC (voiceover): So that little twerp—who I swear is the long-haired version of Ness—is named Alex, who you might remember from “Mr. Nanny.” CS (voiceover): And “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead.” NC (voiceover): Never saw it. CS (voiceover): Good. And that big tub of idiot who’s dressed like a race car bed? He’s named Ozzie, played by Mark Holton. Pee-Wee Herman (from “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure”): Francis! NC (voiceover): So we see Jennifer Aniston go downstairs to give Jim Carrey Bacon some juice. (Tory walks very slowly through the cellar until a white sheet falls on top of her, scaring her) NC: (waves his arms in the air) CAT! CS: (waves his hands in the air) DOG! NC: (looks at CS) What are you doing? CS: I dunno. I just thought we were shouting animals. NC: No. Only I may do that. CS: Oh. OK. (CS puts his hands down before NC looks at the camera again to shake his arms with fright; CS joins in on waving his hands in the air until NC looks at him, CS stops and NC shakes his arms again while looking at the camera) NC (voiceover): So after Aniston heads back up, Ozzie heads back down swearing he heard something. He accidentally knocks the four-leaf clover over, which gives the Leprechaun back his powers. Leprechaun: Hey, Tubby! You got a light for an old leprechaun’s pipe? (He notices a bug on his arm, grabs it and eats it) CS (voiceover): Well, it’s about as good as most Irish cooking. Leprechaun: I need me gold! NC (voiceover): So Ozzie tells them all about the leprechaun, but of course, nobody believes him. (Ozzie notices a rainbow passing over across the sky) Ozzie: Hey! Hey, look up in the sky! Alex: So what, Ozzie? It’s just a rainbow. Ozzie: It’s a magic rainbow. CS: Yeah, can it make this movie good? NC: No-no-no-no, they said it’s a magic rainbow, not a miracle rainbow. CS (voiceover): So they follow the rainbow to where O’Grady hid the gold when Blimp-Ox here (Ozzie) actually swallows one of the coins. My guess is that he thought there was chocolate inside. Alex: Do you know what this means? We can get you an operation. Ozzie: For what? Alex: To make you smart. See, we can go to the hospital and have them operate to fix your brain. NC (voiceover): What is this, Clovers for Algernon? No operation can make you smart! Hell, if it could, the producers of this movie would have gotten it ages ago! CS (voiceover): Meanwhile, Aniston tries to help paint the house while the leprechaun tries topping off her morning. Tory: (stands at the pickup truck while the Leprechaun feels her ankle, and she chuckles) Nathan, come on. What are you doing? (She looks behind to see that Nathan (aka “Jim Carrey Bacon”) is standing close to the house, far off from where she is standing; she turns back to think that something is amiss, and a “Boing” sound effect is heard) NC: Abbott! (Tory screams with fright and Nathan notices) NC (voiceover): So the leprechaun attacks both Aniston and her father as they try to get them to the hospital. (All the main human characters get in the pickup truck) Hey, is it me, or do you totally want to see a sitcom called 3 Guys That Paint? (camera closeup on the “3 Guys That Paint” sign that’s on the pickup truck’s driver door CS (voiceover): Yeah, I could actually see that happening. (A fake CBS promo begins to play) CS (voiceover): This fall on CBS. One’s a good-looking painter, one’s a bumbling doofus, and the other is the boy with a heart of gold. Top it all off with a psychotic killing leprechaun, and you have the hit family sitcom of the year. (The sitcom’s title is shown) 3 Guys That Paint. Coming this fall on CBS. (The caption “What’s Not To Love?” is shown, then “Only CBS”) Welcome home. (The text for “Welcome Home” appears) (Back to the movie) NC (voiceover): So as they head to the hospital, the leprechaun finds a mode of transportation to follow them. (The leprechaun enters a white storage barn cackling and then leaves on a tricycle) NC (voiceover): That’s right, folks. This is what’s gonna try and scare you throughout the majority of the film. A little guy on a tricycle. CS (voiceover): Hey, it’s at least more dignified than to playing an Ewok. NC (voiceover): So they take one of the coins to an expert who tells them that the gold is real. He keeps the coin overnight to analyze it some more when he senses something wicked this way comes. CS (voiceover): “Wicked” or “Wicket”? NC (voiceover): Does it matter? (The expert (who also owns the store) looks around for a while as spooky music plays) NC (voiceover): Oh, don’t act like you can build the suspense, movie. You’re called Leprechaun! (The store owner opens a safe, and the leprechaun pops out) CS (voiceover): And here, we finally see what this pot of shit looks like. NC (voiceover): Really? That’s the scary makeup he’s been given? That’s not the least bit frightening! CS (voiceover): I know! He was more intimidating than that kid’s film A Very Unlucky Leprechaun! (the poster for that movie is shown) In fact, he’s actually scarier-looking in that film! (An image of Leprechaun from Leprechaun is shown to compare) NC (voiceover): You’re right! He actually looks more scary in the children’s film than he does in the horror film! NC: In fact, did we get the right version? (He and CS shrug in confusion) NC (voiceover): So he (Leprechaun) kills off the store owner by—get a load of this—a fucking pogo stick! Really? That’s the leprechaun’s weapon of choice? CS (voiceover): Don’t laugh! My father went the same way. Store Owner: NOOOO!! Female Background Singers (from the Goofy cartoon Victory Vehicles): Hop on your pogo stick, your pogo stick, your pogo stick. Hop on your pogo stick, and hop right through the day. CS (voiceover): So the leprechaun decides it’s time for an upgrade. He goes from a small childish tricycle to a small childish Barbie car. Nothing but the finest for this dignified character! (A highway patrol officer sits in his car eating a doughnut until he sees the leprechaun driving the mini-car and goes after him to pull him over) CS: (dubs over the patrol officer in an Orson Welles-esque voice) This may end up killing me, but I just gotta know. (The officer kicks at the little car, and the leprechaun growls at him) Officer: Why don’t you take that ridiculous mask off and step out of the car? Leprechaun: It’s not nice to make fun of a leprechaun. Officer: Is that so? So now you’re a leprechaun, huh? Leprechaun: Uh-huh. (The officer chuckles) CS: Next you’re gonna tell me, you’re gonna end up in space or in the hood! NC (voiceover): So the leprechaun attacks the cop as he runs away to try and hide. I don’t blame him; I don’t think I could face the world knowing I was beat up by a melting willow. Leprechaun: Over here! (He scurries behind one tree, then reappears next to another tree) I’m over here! NC (voiceover): (sings as the Leprechaun/Tom Bombadil) Oh Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow / Bright blue is his jacket and his boots are yellow. (The officer throws his baton towards the Leprechaun) CS (voiceover): Oh, he throws a stick at it?! Is that really what they teach these guys when they come across a supernatural being? Throw a stick at it?! NC: (as an officer trainee) Sarge! Sarge! I got a question! CS: (as his sergeant) What is it, Callahan? NC: What if—now this is totally hypothetical—what if I was attacked by a psychotic killer leprechaun that was trying to kill me? CS: I dunno, throw your stick at it. NC: “Throw my stick at it”—right! (turns to leave, then comes back) What if it’s the Easter Bunny? CS: Get outta here! (NC quickly gets up to leave) (The Leprechaun lands on the officer’s shoulders from above and grabs hold of his head) NC (voiceover): (as the officer) Please! Don’t let me die while I’m next to your crotch! (The Leprechaun snaps the officer’s neck, killing him) NC (voiceover): He snaps his neck? Really? I dunno why, I guess I thought he would come up with a more imaginative way of killing this guy. CS (voiceover): Well, they had to keep it somewhat realistic. (The leprechaun is at the O’Grady house in the kitchen pulling out a stepstool) Leprechaun: Now, where’s me pot of gold? NC (voiceover): So he goes back to the house looking for his gold as he comes across a cereal called Lucky Clovers. CS (voiceover): Now, I can’t imagine why the real Lucky Charms wouldn’t want their bright and colorful image attached to this dark and gory horror film. NC’s Animated Lucky Charms Leprechaun: Ho-hoo! Well, if you need to know the answer, it’s magically delic—(CS smashes the leprechaun with his fist) NC: Thank you. CS: No problem. CS (voiceover): So he goes into the closet pulling out all the shoes in the house and shining them. Why? I guess he has a shoe fetish. The others (the main human characters) return home to find the place in shambles. Tory: This is crazy. The hell’s going on here? Nathan (aka “Jim Carrey Bacon”): It could have been a bear. They sometimes come down from the hills looking for food. NC: (scoffs) Yeah. Bears are often known for eating food and shining shoes. (He and CS smack their own foreheads) NC (voiceover): So Jim Carrey Bacon goes out to inspect the place when he’s caught in a bear trap that the Leprechaun set up. This results in a pretty embarrassing fight scene. (The fight scene ensues between Tory, Alex, Nathan and the Leprechaun, all done with poor choreography as Tory smacks the Leprechaun with a stick, Nathan hits him with a flashlight, and Alex hits him with a rock) CS (voiceover): Jesus, this choreography is making “Dolemite” look good! (a fighting scene clip from that movie is shown) (Nathan shoots the Leprechaun, who ends up in a prickly bush) CS (voiceover): And now, obvious dumbass line in 3, 2, 1. (The countdown is shown) Tory: Nathan? That was no fucking bear. NC and CS: (slap their heads) A-doyyyyyyy! (All the human characters get in the pickup truck; Tory tries to start it, but it fails) Alex: The distributor cap. (Alex is let out of the truck) Tory: Alex, be careful! CS (voiceover): Oh, good! Send the little boy out where the dangerous leprechaun is! Nothing but straight-arrow ethics for these people! (Alex lifts up the hood to find the Leprechaun inside) Alex: Ahhh! Ahh! Let me in! (scrambles back inside the truck) Tory: Come on, get in! (Ozzie shuts the door) Ozzie: Lock the doors! (rolls up the window) Alex: Ahh! Close the windows! Hurry! NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, he (the Leprechaun) can appear in a safe, but he can’t get through a car window. What is the extent of his lame-ass powers, anyway? (The Leprechaun leaves to go inside the white storage barn, closing the door behind him) Alex: What the heck is he doing in there? (The Leprechaun breaks through the barn doors on a go-kart) NC (voiceover): (as Mario) It’s MarioKart! Death Race 2000! (The fake title card is shown over the scene as “MarioKart” music plays) Don’t forget to hit pedestrians to get the golden coins! (The caption “Hit Pedestrians, Win Golden Coins!” is shown; as the Leprechaun drives around, Princess Peach and Mario appear in their go-karts out of nowhere, and he hits them both) Ohh, you’re a mean motherfucker! (The Leprechaun drives around to hit the pickup truck, making it flip over on its side somehow) NC and CS (voiceover): OH, COME ON! NC (voiceover): What, is the truck made of Styrofoam? CS (voiceover): My Hot Wheels don’t flip over that easy! (The Leprechaun chases after the group as they run up to the house) Leprechaun: Help me, my friends! (laughs) (Once inside, the group slams the door behind them; the door slams on the Leprechaun’s hand, which gets chopped off) NC (voiceover): Boy, that door must have sharp hinges. (The Leprechaun’s hand crawls up to the doorknob to open the door so that he can get at his hand) Background Singers (from “The Addams Family” '60s TV series): They’re creepy and they’re kooky / Mysterious and spooky / They’re altogether ooky / The Addams Family! NC (voiceover): So Aniston finds out where the boys hid the gold as she goes out to return it to the Leprechaun. Nathan: (groans as his injured leg is put up on a table and Tory handles his shotgun) You ever work one of those things before? Tory: (cocks her gun) Nope. CS (voiceover): It’s OK! Just pretend you’re shooting Brad Pitt! (Tory goes out to inspect the well, and the Leprechaun magically appears out of nowhere as the “Star Trek: The Next Generation” transporter sound effect plays; she screams at the sight of him) Leprechaun: Is that me gold? Tory: What the hell are you? Leprechaun: I’m a leprechaun, me dearie. NC: (he and CS contemplate on this scene and shrug) Yeah. CS: Mehhhhhh… NC: Yeah, that is kind of a stupid question. CS: Uh-huh. CS (voiceover): So he counts his gold over and finds that one coin is still missing. That’s the piece that Ozzie has in his stomach. Leprechaun: They’ve got me coin! No one takes a leprechaun’s gold! NC (voiceover): I don’t even get it. What’s he gonna do with the gold? It’s not like he can just walk into a place and buy a yacht! CS (voiceover): Eh, he’ll eBay it. NC (voiceover): What, with gold? CS (voiceover): He’ll cash it in. NC (voiceover): What, dressed like that? CS (voiceover): He’ll get a disguise. NC (voiceover): What kind of disguise? CS (voiceover): Just shut up, okay?! Tory: Alex, you gotta get some ice for Ozzie’s ear, and boil up some water. Nathan: I’ll cover you. (Alex approaches the refrigerator to open it, and out pops the Leprechaun to attack him) NC (voiceover): (in a deep voice) Zuul, Begorra, ZUUL! (normal) So he attacks them some more as they try to call for help. (The kitchen phone rings, and Tory answers it) Tory: Hello? Hello? Help us, please! Come help us! We’re trapped inside of here! Pennywise the Dancing Clown (from “It”): (audio) Do you have Prince Albert in a can? You do? Well, ya better let the poor guy out! Wah-hah! Wah-hah! (Tory hangs up and tears the phone off the wall) CS (voiceover): They figure out the only person who can stop him is Dan O’Grady—the guy from the beginning—who apparently is in an old folk’s home down the street. But how are they gonna get away from Rumple-shit-skin? Get this: they just throw shoes at him to shine! (The Leprechaun proceeds to shine every shoe he sees thrown at him) CS (voiceover): He REALLY has to shine every shoe that he sees? NC (voiceover): What’s wrong with this guy? He has O.L.D., Obsessive Leprechaun Disorder! (The group drives off in a jeep) NC (voiceover): They get to the hospital only to discover—what a shock!—the Leprechaun is there waiting there for ‘em! She tries to get away, but—oh, no!—the Leprechaun has a wheelchair! (Yakety Sax plays as the Leprechaun chases Tory through the hallways on the wheelchair until she gets into an elevator and shuts it) NC (voiceover): (as the Leprechaun) You will take me seriously! CS (voiceover): So she comes across the O’Grady guy in the elevator—or rather, on the elevator—as he tells her how to defeat him. Dan O’Grady: (appears upside down with a bloodied face) Four-leaf clover. Freshly plucked from the clover patch. Beside the well. You gotta put it on his body. It has to touch him. Then you can kill him. NC: So what you’re saying is I have to look over a four-leaf clover that I overlooked before. (NC ducks behind CS as the audiences boos and throws garbage at him) CS: (reacts to being hit) Ow! Jesus! Oh, Christ! NC (voiceover): So, of course she comes across a bunch of clovers as she tries to find one with four leaves. (As Tory searches through the patch, the Leprechaun’s hand grabs her wrist, and she screams) Leprechaun: Little girls shouldn’t look for four-leaf clovers. CS: (he and NC shrug in confusion) Is that a saying now? (She runs away and he chases after her, laughing) NC (voiceover): I just don’t get how we’re supposed to find this guy scary. CS (voiceover): Oh, it can work. Just imagine him as a child molester. That’ll make him look a little spooky. (Tory screams at the sight of a dead police officer’s body in a squad car after she gets inside it) Tory: Oh, my God! No! (turns around to see the Leprechaun is at the door and screams) (Nathan, Ozzie and Alex are there, and Nathan shoots the Leprechaun with his shotgun through the squad car) CS (voiceover): Her friends knock him out and finally find a four-leaf clover in the field, and it even glows! I’m surprised they didn’t find that earlier! NC (voiceover): But the Leprechaun attacks Ozzie trying to get his final coin. Fortunately, the little boy pops up saying probably the most epic line in this movie. Alex: Hey, Lep! Leprechaun: (looks up) Eh? Alex: (readies to fire the clover with his slingshot) Fuck you, Lucky Charms! (NC and CS are surrounded by a mystical aura, and then they shake themselves off after the aura goes away) CS: Wow. That was cosmic. NC (voiceover): Yeah, didn’t think you’d hear a line that awesome in this movie, did ya? But you did, and it’s a masterpiece of writing! Alex: Fuck you, Lucky Charms! (fires the clover into the Leprechaun’s mouth) CS (voiceover): Seriously, that shit is worthy of Schwarzenegger! Terminator (from “Terminator 2”): (dubs over Alex) Hasta la vista, baby! (a gunshot and broken glass are heard) NC (voiceover): But this does raise the question: How the hell would he even know what Lucky Charms is if they have Lucky Clovers in this world? NC: Because when you think about it, it doesn’t really make sense with the… (looks at CS, who stares at him) I really shouldn’t be questioning this, should I? CS: No, you should not. NC: It’s still cosmic. (CS nods as they both look at the camera and return to being in awe while surrounded by a mystical aura again) CS (voiceover): So just when you think it’s dead, the fucking little green goblin refuses to die. This looks like a job for slug in the face! (Nathan runs up to slug the Leprechaun in the face with the wooden end of his shotgun, making the Leprechaun fall down the well (a Goofy yell is heard here); Nathan takes a gasoline canister, pours the gas down the well, and lights it, causing a massive explosion) NC (voiceover): Jesus! That was one unstable leprechaun! CS (voiceover): I guess their blood is made out of fucking nitroglycerin! NC (voiceover): So the Leprechaun is destroyed, the people are safe and they never have to fear about seeing him again. CS (voiceover): That is, until the cum-guzzling whore known as the Hollywood sequel takes over and pimps it out like a brothel! (The posters for all the “Leprechaun” sequels are shown) NC: So that was “Leprechaun.” (he looks at CS, who looks back at him) I didn’t like it. CS: Nope, me, neither. (Clips of the movie start playing again) CS (voiceover): I mean do we really have to go into great detail why this movie is bad? The plot’s ridiculous, the characters are morons, and…it’s a fucking leprechaun! NC (voiceover): I don’t know why they thought a little green man would be frightening, but he’s not. He’s simply not. The whole plot for this movie sounds like a Will Ferrell scenario. (A fake image of the “Elf” movie is shown with the title “Leprechaun” (with Will Ferrell standing in place of the letter “L”) and the tagline “It’s not intentionally scary.”) Nothing about it sounds like a legit horror movie. It’s just magically despicable. NC: And that’s all for Nostalgia-ween! Thanks for watching, and thanks for joining me, Cinema Snob! CS: Oh, thank you for…no, this was a giant waste of time. (gets up to leave) NC: Dickhole. CS: You’re a dickhole! NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to! (laughs over-the-top as evil laughter plays while both a lightning flash and scary music play as well) CS: You’re still a dickhole! NC: You’re a dickhole! (gets up to leave) CS: No, you’re a dickhole! NC: You’re a dickhole! CS: Dickhole! NC: Dick! THE END Channel Awesome Tagline—Alex: Fuck you, Lucky Charms! Category:Content Category:Guides Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Nostalgia-Ween Category:Transcripts